Definition of Grief

The physical, emotional and mental condition brought on by a loss, such as the death of someone you love, is called grief. Grief is our body's natural ability to heal our emotional injury. Grieving can be hard. Lack of understanding makes it harder. Grief is a personal process characterized by three phases.

The first phase is Shock (denial). This begins with the news of the death, but the reality of the death may occur in a few minutes, a few days or even several months later. This phase "protects" the survivor from the emotional impact of the death. A need to stay busy, confusion, an inability to express emotion, inability to function and an overwhelming sense that something is wrong without grasping the reality of the loss are common characteristics of this phase.

The second phase is The Expression of Grief (bargaining, anger, depression) may last for several days to several years. Them are mental, physical and emotional manifestations that may come and go or appear in any combination.

 Mental: Preoccupation of the death: how it happened, the person that died. Inability to focus, remember or be productive. You may have paranoid or inconsistent thoughts. You may even want to make radical changes in all aspects of your life, but it is imperative that you take time to think clearly and not make impulsive decisions that you may later regret.

Physical: Fatigue, weakness, insomnia, weight gain or loss, headaches, the tendency to catch stress-related illnesses, a sense of vulnerability, discomfort with too much activity or stimulation.

Emotional: Intense sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness, confusion, helplessness, isolation and guilt. The inability to feel love or give love, compulsive behavior, thinking that you are "crazy" are often felt by those in grief.

If you are experiencing these symptoms, realize that they are quite normal and in many ways are a necessary part of the healing process of grief. If you feel, however, that you are not able to handle your grief on your own, you may want to consider professional help.

The third and final stage is Acceptance. You will know when you have reached this stage when you are able to recall memories of your deceased loved one fondly and pleasantly instead of painfully. Once acceptance has bees reached, planning for the future becomes more realistic. A new and wiser you will have emerged.

The rate of acceptance often depends on your ability to feel and express your grief openly. Take time out from your usual standards of behavior. Surround yourself with people that you feel comfortable with, tell them how you feel and what you need from them. Feel and express your emotions. h is okay to cry, to laugh, or to be silent. Write things down about your feelings, your wishes, regrets and joys. Give yourself breaks from grieving to rest, have fun and be nurtured. Try to eat well. Try to get your sleep. Above all, give yourself time.

How to Help

Do write cards or letters that the bereaved can turn to during lonely times.

Do invite conversation, let him/her feel free to talk or express feelings without embarrassment. Let him/her tell and re-tell what has happened.

Do listen. You don't need to try to "fix" the situation, just let him/her express his/her feelings at the moment.

Do visit and call often. Respect the need for the person to be alone at times. Strive for a balance between companionship and privacy.

Do Plan activities--invite and offer transportation. Don't be disappointed if he/she declines your invitation.

Do offer a helping hand with child or pet care, house sit, take care of yard work. Do offer help with housecleaning-or if you see a need, start in.

Don't judge. Believe in his/her ability to get through grief in his/her own way and his/her own time.

Do offer your skills to assist with organizational & clerical support such as writing notification letters, helping with the finances, or helping with the thank you notes.

Do Touch - hold hands, give hugs.

Do Share memories. Don't avoid conversation about the one who has died.

Do prepare meals or offer an invitation to dine out.

Do ask "What can I do?" Be sincere about what you are willing to do. Know your limits. Only make offers if you can follow-through an them.

Do support his/her emotional show of feelings--anger, guilt, sadness, fear.

Do offer to stay over or invite them to stay with you.

Do make available personal resources i.e. a weekend stay at a beach cabin, hot tub, use of VCR, etc.

Grief Resources & Materials

Living When A Loved One Has Died
By Dr. Earl A. Grollman
With simple compassion, Earl Grollman leads those who are experiencing emotional turmoil to a new life. Gently, straightforward he helps the bereaved confront the death of a loved one and go on living.

What Helped Me When My Loved One Died
By Dr. Earl A. Grollman
An excellent and helpful collection of very real and honest feelings by the only people who really know; those who have been through the loss of a loved one.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People
By Harold Kushner
Praised by theologians, psychiatrists and counselors of all persuasions, this very special book offers peace of mind and helps affirm humanity for its readers.

Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal
By Alan Wolfelt
If tragedy is a movement into becoming a new person, this book will serve as a valuable road map. You will probably want to buy a copy of this one for yourself to use as a workbook.

More Than Surviving
By Kelly Osmont
Grief affects us physically and we CAN do something about it. You honor your loved one by staying well and this lovely little book will help you take care of yourself.

Men/Grief - Guide For Surviving the Death of a Loved One
By Carol Staudacher
An in depth look at the unique patterns of male bereavement. Based on extensive interviews with male survivors, it describes the four characteristics of male grief, explains the forces that shape and influence male grief and provides step-by-step help for the male survivor. Focusing on surviving as a son, a father and a husband the book prescribes specific coping strategies to further recovery.